The Confessional: I'm Jealous

No one will probably even read this blog post since I deleted my Facebook account two days ago. Pretty bad ass right? I must say, that these past two days without Facebook constantly chirping at me through my phone application, iPad application, online and in my head have been GLORIOUS. I have gone to bed early, woken up early, gotten my homework done in a timely manner, and have found time to write on my blog! However, it is thoroughly embarrassing to admit that I spend that much time on FB. It never seemed like I was constantly on the website since I am usually multitasking at all hours of the day. I always had my FB open on one tab as I checked my email, watched a show on Hulu, while I did homework, or worked. Uh, I mean when I was off the clock. Every since I got a smart phone with internet I received a notification when someone "liked" my status, wrote on my wall, or invited me to something. It was exciting at first to know that one or five of my friends liked whatever was on my mind that day, or comforting to have someone respond to my melancholy posts with words of encouragement and positivity. Unfortunately, it was so easy for me to use it as a way to keep me "busy."

I've struggled the last couple weeks with this pestering frustration and left behind feeling. I have family, I have friends, but life gets busy. Maintaining friendships when it seems that everyone is moving so quickly around me and progressing so much sooner than I am is frustrating. Seeing friends get married, have babies, houses, promotions, grad school, traveling, experiencing the new, grown up jobs, etc. etc. etc. are all the things I'm not doing (yet) and what everyone else is doing. I never before felt like the one behind. I was always the over achiever, the first one to get a car, a job, into college, a this, a that, a blah blah blah. (I'm so guilty of comparing myself to others and being privately competitive, ugh). And me? Babies? HA! I still try to figure out how I will survive the day babysitting. I still feel too young, too inexperienced for these major life choices, yet I feel behind in life.

So, here's the confession- When I'm bored, bummed, or procrastinating on homework, I FB stalk friends that are doing what I so deeply desire for myself: traveling the world. I am so internally jealous of your bravery and ability leave everything you have behind (at least for a while) to explore your world and yourself. I honestly don't know how you do it, and if you have any advice please send it my way. When I'm seeing the world behind my computer screen, I'm persuading myself that I don't need to do it myself. It's easier to suppress my wants and stay within my zone of comfort than deal with the fear and anxiety if I step outside the zone.

Though, the result of staying in the comfort zone, turns out to be jealousy.


I gave up my FB hoping to also give up this jealousy. Creating new time for myself to explore my true friendships, meet new friends, and make these life goals of mine happen. To stop dreaming and hiding behind my fears. I am challenging myself to be the culmination of people I am jealous of. In other words, be the person I want to be. It is so easy to get lost in the busyness of life (in my case: work, class, homework, laundry, repeat), lose feeling for your passions, and fall into a rut. Well, no more ruts for me. I'm beginning the process of digging my way out and rejuvenating my life to be able to feel passionate again. Not sure how long it'll take me to get there. . . I think I'll start with a cookie.

peace and love